My Moment of Clarity!

[Mari Torres]

My Son Lucas - I am a single mother of a 14 year old Autistic boy. It seems that Autism is getting a whole lot of attention because of the celebrities that are affected by it. I am grateful for that because there are now more resources available that we can learn from. However the light seems dim for those that don't have access to those resources and have already been affected by the stress of dealing with an Autistic child. My son is an example that a child can go from severe Autism to a wonderful communicative and loving person, but getting there was indeed a journey and by no means an easy one. I would like to share a part of Autism that I have not heard too many people talk about. I have heard stories about the undying love a mother feels for her child, and the desire to cure her child. I have seen many shows and documentaries about Autism and I can relate to the stories in terms of the children, but no one talks about the monster of guilt, stress and anger that can take over, no one is talking about the low income families that can’t afford health care or the mentality of various cultures that would prevent proper care, and live in denial. I can’t tell you how many times I heard my Puerto Rican mother say “there is nothing wrong with that boy, he just needs discipline” This still exists in hundreds of families. And what about the mother that can not communicate with her child and feels that she has no relationship with him, at times she doesn't like him and feels overwhelmed with guilt for having what seem to be unnatural feelings. I was that mother.

I remember one day wanting to end my life as I was driving in the car with my son in the back seat in the midst of one of his tantrums. I felt as if my son hated me, he wouldn't talk to me,look at me, touch me or call me Mami. It got to the point where he would hit me during his tantrums and I would hate him for doing that to me, I would hate him for not loving me I even contemplated putting him away. I felt I was a horrible mother! I was on welfare and didn't have the resources I needed to get him proper care, Doctors asking me if I was a drug addict and wanting me to accept that my son had ADD (attention Deficit Disorder) when I knew it was more. It was not easy for me at all, my support system was and is my sister who has helped me raise him. I am lucky to have her she is my angel. There are so many that aren’t as lucky as I was. I was fortunate enough to make it through with my sanity.

Watching people talk about Autism has made me become aware of the fact that I have to give back. I have recently felt I was on the right path with my career and my purpose. Having an Autistic son is part of my life but I felt it to be a private affair. With all of the recognition and attention that Autism is getting I didn’t think the world needed to hear my story and I certainly didn’t want to expose my skeletons. Then I watched Oprah speak about Autism for the second time. I was waiting to hear my story. I was waiting to hear about some of the things that I went through as a young broke single mom with an Autistic son but Jenny McCarthy(celebrity of an Autistic son) can’t tell that story. Holly Robinson Pete (Celebrity of an Autistic son) can’t understand what it is like to be in the situation that I was in. This show shook me to consciousness, I knew at that moment that I had to tell my story.

I did not expect to change the direction of my life and purpose in one hour. I am overwhelmed with inspiration and the desire to share my story. I want to be the voice for those who are afraid to speak and the back for those who need someone to lean on. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about the people I can help. My heart is still beating fast from the excitement that I feel and the realization that I listened to my spirit I listened to God. I love the moment that I am in. I believe that this is the path that I have to take. I believe that becoming that voice is the reason why Lucas was given to me. My son has developed in a way that I never thought possible. I have become a person that I never knew I had in me to be.

I intend to show my gratitude by taking action. Somewhere in my existence many lives ago I must have made an agreement to take on this task and it's time to pay the piper. My life is forever changed.
There is another side to this disease and I am finally ready to talk.